Today we continue our 5-minute version of The Opposite of Spoiled, Ron Lieber’s outstanding book on raising decent, grounded kids with good values around money and life. If you missed Part 1, catch it here.
In about 6000 words, I cannot do justice to a book of this stature. It is so well written, so engaging, filled with real-life examples and evidence from researchers (I love that in any book- not much of a surprise for a physician- we are evidence-based folks)- that a Cliff-notes version cannot reproduce. So, if you want to pick up a copy, at the library or Amazon, it will be well-worth your time.
#5 How to Raise Non-Materialistic Kids
How do you define materialistic? The author hits the nail on the head by saying “Materialistic people focus more on stuff than they do on people and relationships”. These people get stuff, not based on utility but to garner certain responses from others.
Materialism, unsurprisingly, has serious consequences- it correlates with increased anxiety, depression and substance use issues.
Sometimes when folks grow up feeling deprived, they do not want to say no to their own kids. They recall the sense of not belonging that they suffered as children. Parents are, after all, not immune to peer pressure.
How do we hit the right note with how much stuff is too much. Where do we artificially draw the line at saying “no”?
Lieber outlines the “Dewey Rule” that he uses to gauge how much is too much. He suggests one good way to keep the kids somewhere mid-range in consumerism is to stay mid-range in amount of stuff, compared to peers. So, you child should be in the 30th-50th percentile of having stuff, give or take, amongst the people they frequently come into contact with.
This keeps the child from feeling completely singled out either because they have too little or too much.
Some Creative Ideas:
Commercials
One thing that creates a materialistic society and is all around us, is media advertising. Find some way to imprint upon the kids that the goal of advertising is to transfer money from your pocket to theirs. Make it fun, instead of lectur-y and it is likely to stick with them longer.
Screen Time and Financial Savvy
Both need a lot of self-regulation. That’s how they are connected. If you can give the kids freedom to regulate their screen time (with the knowledge that screwing it up will end the experiment), they are likely to become better budgeters, with more tempered spending habits.
In lieu of Gifts
I particularly love this one. For Holidays and birthdays, instead of more toys and “stuff”, give the kids something intangible but still precious. You can give it to them in the form of “Coupons” that spell out a particular treat. The options are limited only by your imagination- and can range from skipping veggies (and still getting dessert) to a one-one trip with a parent.
Never Too Late
Even if you have older kids, and you think they’d be better-off a little more mindful of their blessings, it’s not too late.
You can still talk to them- about values, and your family and all the complex emotions surrounding money. Not only does it work but the benefits actually last.
#6. The Art of Giving
When kids see their parents give, and hear their parents talk about giving, they are more likely to be generous, too.
We give because it is morally the right thing to do- to share our blessings with those who have less.
We give because it has been shown that giving brings us happiness.
As curious as kids are, they ask the most pointed questions. About inequalities. About homelessness. They call us out on our excesses and spending priorities. All of this is uncomfortable. But they’re excellent opportunities to start conversations and make changes, big and small, within our homes and our communities.
Implement the Giving
When we give to the homeless person at the traffic light, it tells our kids to be compassionate to a fellow human being, whatever we may think of the complexities of poverty and homelessness.
If you do not believe in giving money to the homeless, non-perishable food items or gift cards may be an option.
Emptying out the Give jar every few months and donating the proceeds towards a charitable organization of the child’s choosing is a great first place to begin.
This can morph into the annual family meeting where the family’s charitable contributions for the year are discussed and the kids get to have a say.
In the beginning, they do not need to know the total dollar amount- just the percentages suffice. 100 dried beans divvied up into piles will tell the how much is going to which organization.
Another ingenious idea is to give the kids 12 checks for a modest sum of money. And they get to pick the beneficiaries.
Putting them in the driver’s seat this way gives them ownership and will motivate them to research and think about it.
Lieber mentions the amazing book “The Power of Half”- where one such discussion leads a family to downsize their home and donate $1million to charity. Wow.
#7. Kids Should Work
Because they like to- it makes them feel grownup and responsible.
And teaches them some hard things: follow directions, get along along with others, toil even when you’d rather not, and stick with it. All of which gets lumped under “work ethic”.
And develops grit. That quality which has been studied to show is more predictive of success than IQ.
It makes them unafraid of hard work. and that is something applicable no matter what they end up doing in life.
Start at home. Experts think we do not let our kids do as much as they’re capable of around the house. Maybe because it’s plain easier to do it ourselves than hear the constant whining and grumbling that accompanies any attempts to get them to do something.
Next up is the daily business. If parents own a business, it makes it a lot easier to involve the kids in it. [Ed: and it lets them earn some real money. Mine started a Roth IRA with their tiny earnings. Learn the Right Way to Hire Your Kids].
For older kids, a regular side gig works very well. And it doesn’t affect their grades.
Lastly, kids can pitch in to cover some of their college/higher education costs. This is widely variable through the socio-economic spectrum but the bottomline is, children do better when they have some skin in the game.
They’ve found a direct correlation between the proportion of kids’ contribution and grades for all except kids in the most competitive schools. Those are probably some of the most driven kids anyway, and they would do well, no matter what.
What gets in the way, though, is the college admissions process. There is an expectation of national or international recognition in some field for admission to top institutions. A menial part-time job does not quite fulfill this criterion.
Maybe the pendulum has swung has swung far enough to one side, though- that a kid who has held a job through high school is now unique, rather than all the kids who’ve done research.
#8 Teaching Gratitude
As adults, we have an idea of just how good we have it. Our kids, not so much. They need to be made aware of just how blessed we are- not only being born in the United States, but also being in the top 10-15% of income in the U.S.
It is uncomfortable to stop and think about our prosperity. It brings up a host of sticky emotions. But that is the first step in creating this awareness for our children. That we are blessed or lucky and ought to share some of our wealth with those around us who do not have enough for what they need.
None of this is meant to make them feel ashamed or embarrassed about what they have. We just want to raise kids who are sensitive to this issue and aware of it.
Kids start forming judgements about social class very early on. They may oversimplistically infer that one’s socioeconomic class is only related to ambition or ability.
Talk to them about the role of chance and happenstance in all good things. And hence our obligation to share some of what we’ve been given.
Cultivating Gratitude
Numerous studies have correlated gratitude with happiness (and good grades). Institute some rituals at home to cultivate more gratitude, whether it’s saying grace (doesn’t have to be religious) or keeping a gratitude journal.
Volunteer Trips
The author takes a thought provoking look at volunteer trips to developing nations, suggesting we ask ourselves if that is indeed the best way to accomplish the goals we are trying to serve.
How to Vacation
Vacation time is precious and we want to treat ourselves for all the hard work we do. But it sets the kids up for unrealistic expectations. One way to get around this is to take a break from the high-end stuff and do what a local family might do- go to a playground, or a grocery store- and get into a peek into local life.
#9 How to define Enough
For the well-off, defining limits on spending is usually artificial. you can afford to spend more, to give the kids more. But at some point, you have to take a stance and say that is enough.
It’s true about our own spending, too. What we choose to spend on reflects our values. Do we cherish experiences more than goods? Do we look for quality over quantity? What’s our favorite splurge… good food or a fancy wardrobe?
And our children notice all of this and take in the implicit messages within. How do you feel about your children knowing all of this about you? Are you willing to stand by your choices?
Another thing it teaches kids is that everything is a trade-off. When you spend money or time on something, you can’t spend it on something else. This restraint needs to be taught because kids are not born with it.
And the best way to make peace with our choices regarding how we allocate our resources, whether time or money, is to define our own “enough”. Not based on what those around us are doing or how they are spending.
This will ensure our kids have a healthy relationship with money when they grow up, no matter what they choose to do with their lives.
With all of this, the author does want us to know that he doesn’t want us talking to our kids about money all the time. Health, family and friends are way more important.
With money talk, a little goes a long way.
Please note, the link for the book above is an affiliate link- which means I make a few cents if you go through this link- without you having to pay any more.
Do you have any personal stories to share? Thoughts or comments? I would love to hear from you.
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